In this murky economic climate, we all need to do our best to use our resources efficiently and save money. What if all that’s left for future generations to inherit is a huge amount of social security debt? The future of our planet is directly proportional to how unhappy we are now, so let’s start suffering! Here are a few easy money saving tips that anybody can pull off:
Start gardening
Save money on food by growing your own! People have been doing this in the Fertile Crescent for about 10,000 years, and the results have separated human civilization from feces hurling monkeydom. Live in an apartment? Don’t have a yard? Don’t fret. With a sledgehammer, a few rolls of saran wrap, and a few hours of work, you can knock out a wall or a ceiling and create your very own greenhouse. You can find plenty of sod in your neighbor’s yard, although you will want to collect it at night. Coat your floors with six to eight inches of dirt to support the root systems of most agricultural plants.
Stop giving money to bums
You can save a handful of change every year if you have some good pre-planned excuses for blowing off homeless people. I like to say simply "Sorry, I have no cash," and usually I’m not even lying. But you don’t have to make sense to make cents! You can say something completely meaningless and get away with it. Use words that most people don’t know about, or even use a non-sequitur. I once heard a man decline a bum’s request for change by saying "Sorry, I’ve got an audition," as he walked into a hardware store. Genius! If you’re feeling compassionate, offer to give them change if they can answer a trivia question or exhibit some ability to contribute to humanity. One evening in Indianapolis I met thirteen bums and five people needing to catch some mythical bus that couldn’t correctly spell the word "souvenir". I used spell check on my cell phone to check their answer. One poor child selling candy didn’t even get the second letter right, so I waved my hand in disgust and walked away without losing a dime.
Save electricity
Turn off your TV. Seriously. No really, I’m not kidding. Do something else.
Save fuel
Stop going places and doing things. If you really must go somewhere and do something, walk or ride a bike. This mode of transportation not only saves fuel, it disrupts people who are using less efficient means of travel. The more you walk right out in front of traffic or ride your bike in the middle of the street as if you are pedaling a Lexus, the more automobile pilots have to stop or drive forty miles below the speed limit. This causes gridlock, temporarily stops them from guzzling fuel, and has the potential to make them so frustrated that they decide to walk their entire fifteen mile commute to work everyday in lieu of destroying the environment.
Start gardening
Save money on food by growing your own! People have been doing this in the Fertile Crescent for about 10,000 years, and the results have separated human civilization from feces hurling monkeydom. Live in an apartment? Don’t have a yard? Don’t fret. With a sledgehammer, a few rolls of saran wrap, and a few hours of work, you can knock out a wall or a ceiling and create your very own greenhouse. You can find plenty of sod in your neighbor’s yard, although you will want to collect it at night. Coat your floors with six to eight inches of dirt to support the root systems of most agricultural plants.
Stop giving money to bums
You can save a handful of change every year if you have some good pre-planned excuses for blowing off homeless people. I like to say simply "Sorry, I have no cash," and usually I’m not even lying. But you don’t have to make sense to make cents! You can say something completely meaningless and get away with it. Use words that most people don’t know about, or even use a non-sequitur. I once heard a man decline a bum’s request for change by saying "Sorry, I’ve got an audition," as he walked into a hardware store. Genius! If you’re feeling compassionate, offer to give them change if they can answer a trivia question or exhibit some ability to contribute to humanity. One evening in Indianapolis I met thirteen bums and five people needing to catch some mythical bus that couldn’t correctly spell the word "souvenir". I used spell check on my cell phone to check their answer. One poor child selling candy didn’t even get the second letter right, so I waved my hand in disgust and walked away without losing a dime.
Save electricity
Turn off your TV. Seriously. No really, I’m not kidding. Do something else.
Save fuel
Stop going places and doing things. If you really must go somewhere and do something, walk or ride a bike. This mode of transportation not only saves fuel, it disrupts people who are using less efficient means of travel. The more you walk right out in front of traffic or ride your bike in the middle of the street as if you are pedaling a Lexus, the more automobile pilots have to stop or drive forty miles below the speed limit. This causes gridlock, temporarily stops them from guzzling fuel, and has the potential to make them so frustrated that they decide to walk their entire fifteen mile commute to work everyday in lieu of destroying the environment.
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